The Dastardly Dessert
by Koneko no Miko
Summary: *Finished!* The Baudelaire children's new home is a strange place indeed, but they're happy there. Will they stay happy? What do YOU think? Work in progress.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMERS: The characters depicted within, with the exception of Mrs. Daisy Dandridge, are the intellectual and creative property of Lemony Snicket/Daniel Handler, and I claim no rights to them (except, again, for Mrs. Dandridge). The story itself, however, is copyrighted to me. Written for love, not profit.   
  
Dedicated to my dear friend Beverly for being such a patient listener.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
THE DASTARDLY DESSERT by Koneko no Miko  
  
There are people in this world who think the world is all sunshine and roses, despite evidence to the contrary. These people are said to be in denial, a word that refers to the state in which one refuses to believe anything bad. If you are one of these people, you will probably want to stop reading this story right now, as few happy things ever occurred in the lives of the Baudelaire children. Although it is my solemn duty to record these events for history, so that no one must ever forget these unfortunate events, you are under no such restrictions, and therefore are free to leave at any time. In fact, I suggest you stop reading now and find something else to do. Perhaps a walk or a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle of foals frolicking in a grassy meadow will sufficiently occupy you in a non- upsetting manner. But if you do choose to continue reading, please understand that you assume all risks and responsibilities---a phrase which here means "don't blame me if these images and events are etched into your mind for all eternity, troubling your sleep and filling your waking hours with unfathomable sadness."  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
The Baudelaire children sat in the back of Mr. Poe's car, listening to him cough into his well-worn handkerchief. Ever since the terrible day at the beach when Mr. Poe told the children that their parents had perished (a word which here means "bought the farm") in a fire, he had been in charge of finding a new home for them. Unfortunately, he hadn't done a very good job of it, as their guardians inevitably wound up being cruel, inept, or (in a few horrible instances) buried, thanks to the evil schemes of their first guardian, Count Olaf, who was bent on getting his greedy (and no doubt clammy) hands on the Baudelaire fortune. Mr. Poe meant well, but the only thing the children had learned they could rely on was his constant coughing.  
  
"Children, I do hope you'll enjoy the new home I've found for you," Mr. Poe said between coughs. "I really think this will be the best place yet. Please just try not to botch things up this time."  
  
"We won't," Violet said quietly. Violet was, at fourteen years of age, the eldest Baudelaire. She was fascinated by all things mechanical, and spent a great deal of time thinking up new inventions and gadgets. Whenever she was struck by inspiration, she would tie her long dark hair back with a ribbon, so as to think more clearly. She was a gentle, kind-hearted girl, and much too polite to point out to Mr. Poe that his statement was rather rude, not to mention incorrect.   
  
"Mr. Poe, you never told us about our new guardian or our new home. Will there be lots of books there?" Klaus asked, pushing his glasses, which had a tendency to slip, up the bridge of his nose. Klaus had recently turned thirteen, and he had been reading for most of his life. Reading was his greatest joy in life, and many of the Baudelaires' daring escapes had been aided by knowledge he had gleaned (a word which here means "picked up") from things he had read over the years.  
  
"Now, that I'm not sure of," Mr. Poe responded, following up with a series of coughs. The children waited politely for him to finish coughing before he continued. "However, your new guardian is an elderly woman named Daisy Dandridge. She owns a bakery in the town of Woodbury, and she lives right above it in a small apartment. She's assured me, however, that there is plenty of room for the three of you, though Sunny and Violet have to share a room."  
  
"Sneh!" Sunny shrieked. Sunny was an infant, about the size of a loaf of French bread cut in half, and like all infants, she only spoke in fragments that didn't seem to mean anything. Her siblings, however, could understand her perfectly, and knew that she meant, "Will there be things for me to bite?" Sunny had four very sharp teeth, and loved to use them whenever she could.   
  
"I don't know what 'sneh' means, Sunny, but I guess it doesn't matter," Mr. Poe said, smiling at her in the rearview mirror. "At any rate, we're here, so you'll all be able to find out for yourselves!"  
  
The children got out of the car and stood in front of the bakery, staring in utter shock. "This is unbelievable," Violet whispered. "Are you two seeing what I'm seeing?"  
  
"I think so," Klaus whispered hoarsely.  
  
"Hai," Sunny echoed. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, what do you think, children?" Mr. Poe asked, fumbling around in the trunk for their luggage.Â  "Isn't it something else?"  
  
Before the children stood a truly amazing building in the shape of a huge, two-layered birthday cake.Â  The first layer served as the store, and the children could see mouth-watering treats proudly displayed in the windows.Â  The second layer was Daisy Dandridge's home, and on top of the roof were large birthday candles, about the height of one short man standing on the shoulders of a tall man.Â  The entire thing was painted bright pink, and white plaster had been squiggled around the windows and doors to look like frosting.Â  To one side of the building stood a strange fountain with pink concrete piled up in the middle to look like cotton candy.Â  Lollipops stuck out at bizarre---a word which here means "exceedingly strange"---angles, and atop the whole concoction was a pair of gingerbread men spouting water from the tops of their heads.  
  
"It's certainly...different," Violet said truthfully.  
  
"I've never seen anything quite like it," Klaus said honestly.  
  
"Garish!" Sunny cried, by which she meant, "This place is bright enough to make my eyes hurt!"  
  
"It makes me very hungry," Mr. Poe said, coughing, "which is probably the point.Â  At any rate, let's go inside and introduce you to Mrs. Dandridge."Â  He waved his handkerchief in the air, and the children obediently followed him inside the bakery.  
  
"Hello?" Mr. Poe called, craning his neck in a futile---a word which here means "pointless"---effort to see into the back room.Â  "Mrs. Dandridge?Â  Hello?"Â   
  
"Tignir!" Sunny shrieked, pointing at the counter.  
  
"Sunny means you should ring that little bell," Violet said.  
  
"Ah!Â  Excellent idea, Sunny!" Mr. Poe said, picking up the tiny bell and ringing it vigorously.Â Â  However, after waiting several minutes, there was still no sign of Mrs. Dandridge.  
  
Mr. Poe frowned.Â  "I wonder where she could be.Â  I called her last night to confirm, so she should be expecting us.Â  Wait right here, children, and I'll go see if I can find her."Â  Mr. Poe hopped over the counter and went into the back.  
  
The children sat down at a small heart-shaped table and tilted their heads back, breathing in the delicious smells.Â  "I'm so hungry," Klaus moaned.  
  
"Do you think it would be rude to ask for something to eat?" Violet asked.  
  
"Jaifaim!" Sunny said, which meant something like, "This is no time for etiquette, I'm starving!"  
  
"You're right, Sunny," Violet said, absentmindedly retying the bow in her hair.Â  "We'll ask Mrs. Dandridge if we can have dinner right away."  
  
"I wonder what Mrs. Dandridge will be like?" Klaus asked.Â   
  
"Well, we just have to hope for the best," Violet said.Â  "As long as she's not mean, neglectful, Count Olaf, the hook-handed man, the person we can't decide is a man or a woman, or one of the powder-faced women, I'll be perfectly happy."  
  
"Yurm!" Sunny said, which meant "Me too!"  
  
Mr. Poe emerged from the back room, a big smile on his face.Â  "I found Mrs. Dandridge," he said triumphantly.Â  "She fell asleep, but she's coming right down as soon as she tidies herself up a bit."  
  
"I'm here!" a voice called out, and Daisy Dandridge stepped through the doorway. 


	3. Chapter 3

Mrs. Dandridge wore a pink dress printed with gumballs that ended just above her ankles, a frilly pink apron, and large pink-framed glasses behind which sparkled bright blue eyes.Â  She wore bright pink lipstick on her smiling lips and a pink bow in her white hair, which was puffed up just like a cotton candy cloud.Â  "I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting," she said.Â  "I'm Daisy Dandridge."  
  
"Hello, Mrs. Dandridge," Violet said.Â  "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and I'm very pleased to meet you.Â  Thank you for taking us into your home."  
  
"What a beautiful girl," Mrs. Dandridge said, coming over and laying a warm hand on Violet's cheek.Â  "And so polite!Â  You are very welcome here, darling."Â  She turned her attention to Klaus.Â  "And of course, you have to be Klaus."  
  
"Yes, Mrs. Dandridge," he said.Â  "I'm very glad to meet you."  
  
She smiled at him and pinched one of his cheeks, though I am relieved to say it was not a hard pinch at all.Â  "What a handsome young man!Â  I'm very glad to meet you too, angelpie."  
  
"Sunny!" Sunny cried, squirming to be put down.Â  Violet obliged, and Sunny crawled over to Mrs. Dandridge and hugged her ankles.Â Â  Mrs. Dandridge leaned down and scooped Sunny into her arms.  
  
"What...a...PUNKIN!" Mrs. Dandridge squealed, chucking Sunny under the chin.Â  Sunny leaned forward a little and bit Mrs. Dandridge very gently on the hand.  
  
"That means she likes you," Violet hastily explained.  
  
"Oh, and I like her too," Mrs. Dandridge crooned, planting a kiss on Sunny's cheek and rubbing away the lipstick she left behind.Â  She handed Sunny back to Violet, and said, "It's so marvelous to have all of you here.Â  I've been very lonely ever since my dear Delbert went on to his heavenly reward.Â  We never had children of our own, so I'm looking forward to hearing th---"  
  
One time, I was trekking through a jungle when I came across a very large and exceedingly cranky lion.Â  I managed to frighten it off by fashioning a crude weapon out of my hiking boot and three large thumbtacks, but before it fled, it let out the most terrifying growl I've ever heard in my life.Â  My sources tell me, however, that if I had been in Daisy Dandridge's Decadent Desserts that spring day, I would have had to take that honor away from the lion and given it to Violet Baudelaire instead, for her stomach interrupted Mrs. Dandridge with the loudest growl you could possibly imagine.  
  
"My goodness!" Mr. Poe cried, staring at Violet as she turned crimson with embarrassment.Â   
  
"What a big noise from such a little girl!" Mrs. Dandridge said.Â  "You poor dears must be absolutely starving.Â  I've got a big dinner just waiting for you upstairs in my apartment.Â  Mr. Poe, would you care to join us?"  
  
"Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Dandridge," Mr. Poe said, coughing.Â  "I've got to get back to the bank...lots of work to do, you know."  
  
Mrs. Dandridge fished in the pocket of her apron and handed Mr. Poe a cough drop.Â  "This might make you feel better," she said.Â  "Anyway, have a safe drive back to the city, Mr. Poe, and thank you for bringing the children to me."  
  
"Not a problem, not a problem," Mr. Poe said, popping the cough drop into his mouth and shaking Mrs. Dandridge's hand.Â  "Be good, children, and I'll call you next week to see how things are going."Â  With a final wave of his handkerchief, he walked through the door, hopped into his car, and drove away.  
  
Mrs. Dandridge swept the children into her arms and gave them a tight squeeze.Â  "Oh, I do hope you'll be happy here!" she cried, rocking back and forth slightly.Â  She released them and smiled.Â  "Do you like chicken and dumplings?"  
  
"We sure do!" Klaus said enthusiastically.  
  
"Wonderful, wonderful, because that's what I've made for dinner.Â  I've also got mashed potatoes and, for dessert, one of my famous sugar cream pies!"  
  
Violet's stomach grumbled again, and this time Klaus and Sunny's stomachs joined in as well.  
  
"I'm sorry, here I am babbling on while you three children practically waste away before my eyes!Â  First things first.Â  We'll have our dinner, and then I'll show you around the apartment.Â  Klaus, could you please lock the front door and turn the open sign around?"  
  
Klaus obeyed and followed Mrs. Dandridge, Violet, and Sunny upstairs to their new home. 


	4. Chapter 4

"That was the best dinner I've had in ages, Mrs. Dandridge," Violet said, pushing away from the table and clasping her hands over her now-silent stomach.Â   
  
"It sure was!" Klaus said, dabbing his lips with his napkin.  
  
"Oishii!" Sunny squealed, by which she meant "Delicious!"Â  She put her bottle down on the table and let out a dainty little burp.  
  
"I'm glad you liked it.Â  Now, before I give you the grand tour, I do want to go over a few rules."  
  
The children looked at each other, and Klaus nervously began chewing on his thumbnail.Â  Of course, the Baudelaire children had had rules when they lived with their parents, as all children do.Â  However, after being forced to work in a lumber mill, run laps, and drink parsley soda, they were afraid to hear what Mrs. Dandridge's rules might be.  
  
"The first rule is that I expect all of you to clean up after yourselves.Â  The second rule is that I expect all of you to help me with the housework, and I also expect all of you to work in the bakery.Â  Violet, I understand that you enjoy inventing and making things, so I'd like you to create an icing machine for me.Â  Klaus, I know you love to read, so you'll research new dessert recipes for me to try.Â  And Sunny, I'm sure you love to bite things with those dazzling teeth of yours, so you can bite cookie dough into pretty shapes for me.Â  I do hope you won't think me a terrible disciplinarian, but I feel it's important for children to have some rules."  
  
The children sighed, visibly relieved.Â  "We promise to live up to your expectations," Violet said.Â  "And working in the bakery sounds like fun!"  
  
"Good, good," Mrs. Dandridge said, handing Sunny a stale gingerbread cookie to gnaw on.Â  "Oh, and I almost forgot the most important rule!Â  No matter what, you must never, ever shower after dark.Â  Ever.Â  Do you understand?"  
  
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny did not, in fact, understand this rule, but they nodded anyway.  
  
"Well, now that that's settled, let's clean up the kitchen and then I'll show you around the apartment, which won't take long.Â  I'm sure you children are very tired after your long drive, so you'll probably want to go straight to bed---after brushing your teeth, of course!"  
  
Once the kitchen was sparkling clean again, Mrs. Dandridge gave the children the grand tour of the apartment, and as she had mentioned, it did not take very long at all.Â  First she showed them the living room, with its pink sofa and stuffed giraffe.Â  Next, she pointed out the bathroom, with its claw-foot bathtub, pink wallpaper, pink toilet, and crocheted poodle toilet paper cover.Â  Mrs. Dandridge's room contained only a bed (with a pink spread, of course), a dresser, and a potted palm tree.Â  The coat closet contained lots of dusty pink jackets.Â   
  
"I've saved the best rooms for last," Mrs. Dandridge said proudly.Â  "First up is your room, Klaus."Â  She pushed open the door and stepped aside to let Klaus, Violet, and Sunny pass.  
  
*Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *Â  *  
  
As you might imagine, Klaus was a little frightened to see his new room after seeing Mrs. Dandridge's decorating scheme---a phrase which here means "a preponderance of pink".Â  But for once, Klaus was in for a pleasant surprise.  
  
The room was small, like all of the rooms, but full bookshelves occupied one entire wall.Â  A very comfortable-looking red quilt covered the bed, and the nightstand held a lamp, an alarm clock, and a carafe (an unnecessarily fancy word for "pitcher") of water.Â  Best of all, there was not a bit of pink anywhere, except for maybe some lettering on the spine of one of the books, but that was acceptable.  
  
"Is it okay?" Mrs. Dandridge asked worriedly.Â  "I don't have much experience with children, see, and I wasn't sure how I should decorate for a young man."  
  
"It's perfect," Klaus said.Â  "Thank you very much."  
  
She smiled and patted him on the head.Â  "Next, of course, we have the girls' room!"Â   
  
Violet was also a little worried about her room.Â  It is a myth that all girls like the color pink; in fact, some girls absolutely despise---a word which here means "really, really, REALLY hate"---the color pink.Â  Violet didn't despise the color pink, but she wasn't terribly fond of it either.Â  So she was also in for a rare treat when she saw her new room.  
  
The bed had a quilt that matched the one in Klaus' room, although Violet's was a particularly pretty shade of blue.Â  The nightstand held the same things as Klaus', with the addition of a pot of African violets.Â  There was a worktable with all sorts of fantastic tools and how-to manuals, and Violet was glad to see that Mrs. Dandridge had not forgotten to buy safety goggles and work gloves.Â  Next to Violet's bed was a beautiful maple crib for Sunny, and inside was a large rawhide bone tied with a big red bow.  
  
"That's a new bone," Mrs. Dandridge hastened to say.Â  "I bought it from a pet store, true, but I guarantee it was still in the wrapper!Â  I picked maple for the crib because it's such a sturdy wood, and I thought you might enjoy chewing on the sides."  
  
"I love it," Violet said, her eyes filling with grateful tears.Â  "Thank you very much, Mrs. Dandridge, for all the trouble you've gone to."  
  
"Squee!" Sunny shrieked, by which she meant "I love my crib, and I can't wait to sink my teeth into that rawhide bone!"  
  
Mrs. Dandridge enveloped Violet in her arms and kissed the top of her head gently.Â  "You are all very welcome," she said.Â  "Please let me know if you need anything, all right?Â  And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed now.Â  I start baking very early in the morning, so I must get a good night's rest.Â  Try not to stay up too late, and don't forget to brush your teeth!"Â  She left the room, then popped her head back in and said, "But don't shower, no matter what."  
  
"We won't," Klaus, Violet, and Sunny said together.Â  (Well, Sunny actually said, "Gooply," by which she meant something like, "We won't, and what's the story behind that rule anyway?")  
  
Mrs. Dandridge smiled fondly at them.Â  "Good night, my little lambs," she said, blowing them a kiss and shutting the door behind her.  
  
The children all looked at each other, and their smiles were so wide that they actually hurt their faces.Â  "Isn't this fantastic?" Violet cried, running to her worktable and inspecting all of her new tools.Â  "Mrs. Dandridge is wonderful!"  
  
"She sure is," Klaus said happily.Â  "I can't wait to see what books are on the shelves in my room."  
  
"Snickledorfer," Sunny said, by which she meant, "I love Mrs. Dandridge, and I'm so glad Mr. Poe finally found a decent place for us to live."  
  
"Me too," Violet said, nuzzling the top of Sunny's head.Â  "I hate to sound pessimistic, but it almost seems too good to be true.Â  You don't think that Mrs. Dandridge is Count Olaf in disguise, do you?"  
  
"There's no way!" Klaus cried.Â  "She's got two very distinct eyebrows."  
  
"Og," Sunny pointed out, by which she meant "When I was hugging her ankles earlier, I took a close look at them, and she didn't have an eye tattoo.Â  Besides, she's much too kind, and Count Olaf has never been able to fake kindness before."  
  
"You're both right," Violet said.Â  "I'm sorry.Â  It's just that I can't believe that our luck has finally changed for the better."Â  She smiled at her siblings.Â  "It's like a dream come true."  
  
"Speaking of dreams, I'm going to bed," Klaus said.Â  "Good night, Violet.Â  Night, Sunny."  
  
"Good night, Klaus."  
  
"Nacht!"  
  
And the three children fell asleep the second their heads hit their pillows, dreaming happy dreams.Â  Unfortunately, it would not be long before their sweet dreams turned into bitter nightmares. 


	5. Chapter 5

There may be those among you who think I relish (a word which here refers not to a garnish made out of chopped sweet pickles, delicious on hot dogs, but to enjoying something immensely) telling you about the misfortunes of the Baudelaire orphans, and I can assure you nothing is further from the truth.Â  In fact, it almost physically pains me to do so, but it is my sworn duty, so I cannot spare you a single word.  
  
I can, however, delay the inevitable by telling you that the Baudelaire children did enjoy several days of pure happiness in Mrs. Dandridge's home, with nary a thing to worry them.Â  During the day, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny worked in the bakery side by side with Mrs. Dandridge.Â  Violet tinkered with the icing machine, Klaus researched and recorded recipes, and Sunny nibbled slabs of cookie dough into perfect hearts and stars.Â  They took lunch precisely at noon, tea at precisely 3:15, and closed the bakery at 5.Â  Dinner was at 6, and afterwards the children were free to amuse themselves however they wished while Mrs. Dandridge knitted pink afghans.Â  Their new home was no substitute for the one they had shared with their beloved parents, of course, but they were much happier than they had been since the dreadful news that changed their lives forever.  
  
However, precisely six days, two hours, four minutes, and 6 seconds after they first stepped foot into Daisy Dandridge's Decadent Desserts, the Baudelaires were in for a terrible shock.  
  
"Children, I have some news for you," Mrs. Dandridge said, sitting down heavily at the bakery's heart-shaped table.Â  "Can you all come over here for a moment, please?"  
  
Violet put down her tools, Klaus put down his notebook, and Sunny put down her slab of cookie dough, and they all went over to sit by Mrs. Dandridge.  
  
"Have a lemon bar, my dears; you are much too thin," Mrs. Dandridge said, passing the plate to Violet and Klaus.Â  "And Sunny, here's a chunk of wood for you."  
  
"What did you want to tell us, Mrs. Dandridge?" Violet asked, nibbling a corner of her incredibly delicious lemon bar.  
  
"Well, children, I'm getting along in years, and I just can't do as much work as I used to.Â  It was Delbert's dream to open a bakery, so I absolutely refuse to shut it down.Â Â  I've gone ahead and hired a lovely man to help out around here."  
  
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny suddenly felt as though a cruel and chilly fist had squeezed their stomachs tightly.Â  This feeling is sometimes referred to as "a sense of foreboding", which means that they had a very, very bad feeling about the new employee.  
  
"Mrs. Dandridge, you don't need to go to all of that trouble and expense," Violet said quickly.Â  "Klaus, Sunny, and I will take over all of the bakery duties.Â  It won't be a problem at all."  
  
"We can do it!" Klaus added.Â  "We've had lots of work experience, and we owe you so much.Â  We'll be glad to do it."  
  
"Maldemer!" Sunny shrieked, by which she meant "We've got a very, very bad feeling about the new employee!"  
  
Mrs. Dandridge smiled and leaned forward to brush a few wood shavings from the corner of Sunny's mouth.Â  "You are all such absolute lambs to even suggest such a thing, but I simply must refuse your kind offer."  
  
"But---" Violet began.  
  
"No, no, I won't hear another word!" Mrs. Dandridge said firmly.Â  "I didn't take you three into my home to serve as a cheap source of labor.Â  Soon it will be time for you to start school, and it's just too much for two children and a baby to take on."  
  
"But---" Klaus started.  
  
"Klaus, dear, I said not another word.Â  Besides, I think I see him coming up the walk, so let's be on our best behavior, shall we?"Â   
  
Mrs. Dandridge and the children stood up to greet the man who walked into the bakery.Â   
  
"I am so sorry that I am late," the man said in a very phony French accent.Â   
  
"No, no, you're right on time!" Mrs. Dandridge said, extending a floury hand for the man to shake.Â  He took her hand and kissed it instead, causing Mrs. Dandridge to blush prettily and giggle like a little girl.  
  
"These must be zee orphans that you told me about," the man said, turning his gaze on the children.Â  "Bonjour, mes amis!Â  My name is Tofu Lacon.Â  I am so pleased to meet you."  
  
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stood rooted to the floor, horrified to find that their premonition had indeed come true.Â  The man was wearing a tall chef's hat pulled down over his forehead, so they could not see his one eyebrow, and his trouser legs were too long to expose the tattoo of an eye on his ankle, but there was no mistaking the shiny, cruel eyes of their worst enemy, Count Olaf. 


	6. Chapter 6

"It's you!" Violet cried, taking a step back.Â   
  
"What are YOU doing here?" Klaus demanded, picking Sunny up and clutching her protectively to his chest.Â  Sunny was rendered speechless, but she bared her four sharp teeth in a menacing snarl.  
  
"CHILDREN!" Mrs. Dandridge cried.Â  "I am shocked, SHOCKED!Â  Apologize to Monsieur Lacon at once!"  
  
Finding her voice again, Sunny shrieked, "Jamais!"---a word which here meant "We will never apologize to this horrible man for as long as we live!"  
  
"Mrs. Dandridge, this man is Count Olaf in disguise!" Klaus said.Â   
  
"Count Olaf?" Mrs. Dandridge asked.Â  "Surely you don't mean that terrible man Mr. Poe told me about, the one who's after your family fortune?"  
  
"That's right!"Â   
  
"Oh, children, you are so funny!" Count Olaf said with a hearty fake laugh.Â  "My name ees Tofu Lacon, not Count Olaf!"  
  
Klaus did some quick letter rearranging in his head.Â  "Tofu Lacon is an anagram of Count Olaf."  
  
"Pure coincidence!Â  Lacon ees a very common name in France, mais oui."  
  
"Take off your chef's hat and let us see your eyebrow," Violet commanded.  
  
He shrugged.Â  "This I cannot do, ma petite chou-chou, as eet ees...how you say...unhygienic."Â  (By this, he meant "nasty, dirty, and germy.")Â   
  
"Squinkle!" Sunny yelled, and Mrs. Dandridge and Count Olaf looked confused.  
  
"Sunny said you should show us your ankle," Violet interpreted.  
  
"Oh, no, no!Â  I could never show you my ankles!Â  In France, one never shows one's ankles to complete strangers!"  
  
"That's a lie!" Klaus said, for he had read extensively on the customs of France, and he had never heard of such a thing.  
  
"I've had enough," Mrs. Dandridge said sternly.Â  "Children, I am very disappointed in you."  
  
The children felt their eyes filling with tears, for it is an awful thing indeed to be told by someone you love that they are very disappointed in you.Â  Mrs. Dandridge noticed this, and being a kind woman, she took the children into her arms.  
  
"Children, I know you have gone through so much in your young lives, and I know how scared you are of this dreadful Count Olaf fellow.Â  But he's nowhere near here, and even if he were to show up for some reason, I'd notice right away!Â  These old eyes aren't that bad," she said with a smile.Â  "I would never let anyone harm you.Â  Now let's have no more of this nonsense."Â   
  
Releasing the children, she stood up again and addressed Count Olaf.Â  "Monsieur Lacon, I'm so sorry, but we don't have enough room in my apartment.Â  However, I've set something up in the back room for you.Â  It's just a cot, a lamp, and a dresser, but hopefully it will do until you find someplace in town."  
  
"That ees very kind of you, Madame Dandridge," Count Olaf said with a bow.Â  "I am most grateful."  
  
"Children, do you have anything you want to say to our new employee?" Mrs. Dandridge asked, raising an eyebrow.Â  The children had plenty they wanted to say to the new employee, none of it polite, but they knew what Mrs. Dandridge wanted them to say, so reluctantly they did.  
  
"We're glad to have you aboard," Violet lied.Â  "And we're sorry about being so suspicious at first."  
  
"Yes, we're sorry," Klaus fibbed.Â  "Please accept our apologies, Co---I mean, Monsieur Lacon."  
  
"Unko!" Sunny prevaricated.  
  
"Apologies accepted," Count Olaf said with a smirk.  
  
Mrs. Dandridge took Sunny from Klaus' arms.Â  "Thank you for being so understanding," she said to Count Olaf.Â  "The children have been through a terrible ordeal, so of course they're a little suspicious of strangers.Â  But they know I'd never let anyone hurt them!Â  Over my dead body, I say."Â  She smiled at Count Olaf.Â  "Anyway, good night, Monsieur Lacon.Â  Please help yourself to anything you'd like in the kitchen."  
  
Mrs. Dandridge walked up the stairs, with Violet and Klaus following behind.Â  They paused on the landing, just long enough to hear Count Olaf say, "Over your dead body, eh?Â  That can be arranged, old woman...that can be arranged."  
  
Violet and Klaus looked at each other with horror.Â  "What can we do?" Violet whispered.  
  
"I don't know, but we'd better think of something soon," Klaus said grimly. 


	7. Chapter 7

The next few days were terrible, even by the Baudelaires' standards.Â Â  Count Olaf tormented the children whenever Mrs. Dandridge wasn't looking.Â  He snipped the wires in Violet's icing machine, setting her progress back by several days.Â  He stole Klaus' recipe notebook and buried it in the compost heap.Â  And he took Sunny's rawhide bone and tossed it in the fountain.Â  By the time Violet found it, it had been underwater for several hours and was too soft to provide any enjoyment for Sunny, who burst into tears when she saw the soggy mess.  
  
"Awwwww, did widdle baby Sunny wose her pwecious widdle bone?" Count Olaf sneered, cleaning under his filthy nails with a paring knife.Â  "Poor widdle baby!Â  Wah, wah, wah!"  
  
"Urusei!" Sunny wailed, by which she meant "Shut up, you horrible man!"  
  
Violet had had just about enough by this point.Â  As the oldest, she felt responsible for the welfare of her brother and sister, and she couldn't stand to see either one of them hurt.Â  "You evil, nasty, despicable brute!" she hissed, drawing herself up to her full height (which wasn't very tall).Â  "Leave us alone!"  
  
Count Olaf stopped cleaning under his nails and pointed the knife, now coated with a black grime of undeterminable origin, at Violet.Â  "Are you threatening me, pretty kitty?" he said softly.  
  
"That's not a threat, that's a promise," Violet said, throwing the remains of Sunny's rawhide bone at Count Olaf's feet.Â  "Don't you ever make my sister cry again."Â   
  
"And if I..." Count Olaf began, but suddenly he switched into his phony French accent again.Â  "...mix zees cinnamon into zee batter, eet should be delicieuse, non?"  
  
Violet turned and saw Mrs. Dandridge standing in the doorway, beaming at them.Â  "What specialty are you whipping up now, Monsieur Lacon?"  
  
"Oh, I have an incredible dessert in mind, Madame Dandridge!Â  I just need to add a few finishing touches, and eet should be ready by tomorrow night, just in time for dinner.Â  You shall all be my, how you say, guinea pigs!"  
  
"Wonderful!" Mrs. Dandridge cried, clapping happily.Â  "We'll all look forward to it!Â  Do you have a name for it yet?"  
  
"I call eet..." Count Olaf paused dramatically, and Violet could almost see the maniacal gears turning in his horrible head.Â  "I call eetÂ  La Torte du Morte.Â  En francais, eet means 'zee cake of good fortune'."  
  
"I just can't wait to try it," Mrs. Dandridge moaned, rubbing her belly.Â  "By the way, dinner will be served in just a few minutes.Â  Violet, please tell Klaus to be sure to wash his hands thoroughly.Â  Why *is* he digging in the compost heap, anyway?"Â  She chuckled and started up the stairs.Â   
  
Violet picked up Sunny and gave Count Olaf one last angry glare before heading out to the backyard to fetch Klaus.Â  "Have you found your notebook yet?" she called as she strolled down the garden path towards him.  
  
"Yes, but I'm afraid it won't be much use to me anymore," Klaus said gloomily, standing up and holding his dirt-encrusted notebook by the corner.Â  "Might as well just leave this for the worms."Â  He threw it back on the pile and dusted his hands off on his pants.Â  "So, anything new with Count Olaf?"  
  
"Sniglepfeffer," Sunny moaned, by which she meant "That cad ruined my rawhide bone!"  
  
"Oh, no, Sunny!" Klaus said sadly.Â  "I'm so sorry.Â  We'll get you another one, won't we, Violet?"  
  
"Of course," Violet said.Â  "But we've got something else to worry about right now.Â  Count Olaf has a special dessert planned for tomorrow night, and I don't like the sound of it.Â  It's called La Torte du Mort.Â  Why does that sound so...ominous to me?"  
  
"Did he say what it meant?"  
  
"Yes, he said it means 'the cake of good fortune', but I know he's lying.Â  I've heard the word 'mort' before, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything good."  
  
"Well, I'll do some research tonight and see what I can find out," Klaus promised.Â  "We'll get through this too, Violet."  
  
"I know," Violet said, looking up at the window where Mrs. Dandridge could be seen bustling about the kitchen.Â  "But will Mrs. Dandridge?" 


	8. Chapter 8

None of the Baudelaire children slept that night.Â  Klaus went through every book in his room, looking for a definition of the word "mort", and Violet worked on her icing machine.Â  Sunny planted herself firmly in front of Mrs. Dandridge's door, ready to sink her teeth into Count Olaf's ankle should he try to sneak in.Â  They were all so tired the next morning that they fell asleep over breakfast.Â  Violet got scrambled eggs in her hair, Klaus' glasses splashed into his oatmeal, and Sunny almost toppled right out of her high chair.  
  
"You poor dears!Â  Didn't you sleep well last night?" Mrs. Dandridge asked, handing Violet and Klaus napkins.  
  
"No," Violet said, unsuccessfully trying to stifle a yawn.  
  
"Well, I absolutely insist that you all march upstairs and go back to bed.Â  Monsieur Lacon and I will be fine.Â  Tuesdays aren't very busy anyway."  
  
"I don't know," Klaus said doubtfully.  
  
"Oyasumi," Sunny said, by which she meant "Count Olaf will never try anything in broad daylight, while the store is open.Â  We're already pretty sure that he's going to try something at dinner, and we'll be better able to fight back if we've had some sleep."  
  
"Sunny means we'll see you later," Violet lied, and the three of them trudged upstairs to bed.Â Â  Violet helped Sunny into her crib, and then she crawled into her own bed.Â  She tied her hair back in a ribbon, which meant that she was thinking hard.  
  
"Sometimes inspiration can come to you in your dreams," she said out loud, and then laid her head down on the pillow for a well-deserved rest.  
  
Approximately four hours and two minutes later, Violet sat straight up in bed as though she had been shocked.Â  "KLAUS!" she cried.  
  
Klaus came running immediately, nearly tripping on a loose floorboard in his haste.Â  "What is it?" he panted.Â   
  
"I was having the most wonderful dream about that self-propelled vacuum cleaner I invented for Mother one year.Â  Do you remember that?"  
  
"Yes, I remember," Klaus said, smiling fondly.Â  "It went wild and almost knocked over our china cabinet."  
  
"Well, I dreamed that I was able to fix it and it worked perfectly.Â  I sold the patent and it was a huge international success.Â  When I received the first model, I was looking at the instruction manual, which had been translated into Spanish, Japanese, Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Swahili, Bushman, and French.Â  And in the section on precautions, it said 'Do not operate vacuum cleaner underwater as you risk electrocution or death.'Â  And in the French translation, the word for death was 'mort'.Â  La Torte du Mort.Â  The Cake of Death!"  
  
"So he's..." Klaus was too horrified to finish.  
  
"Borfly!" Sunny supplied, by which she meant, "He's going to poison dessert tonight!"  
  
Violet looked at the clock on her bedside table.Â  "We only have a few hours before dinner.Â  We'd better come up with a plan."Â   
  
So the siblings sat down on the floor and put their heads together---not literally, of course.Â  When they heard Mrs. Dandridge calling them downstairs for dinner, they stood up, took deep breaths, and went downstairs to face Count Olaf and his dastardly dessert. 


	9. Chapter 9

"Ah, there are zee leetle dumplings!" Count Olaf cried in his fraudulent French accent. The Baudelaire children forced themselves to smile as they sat down.  
  
"Do you feel better, dears?" Mrs. Dandridge asked, passing Klaus a bowl of buttered parsnips.  
  
"Yes, thank you very much," Violet said. "Dinner looks wonderful. Did you make all of this yourself?"  
  
"Yes, everything but the dessert," Mrs. Dandridge replied. "Monsieur Lacon made his famous Torte du Mort for us to try!"  
  
"Oh?" Violet said. "What's in it, Co---er, Monsieur Lacon?"  
  
"Ah, Mademoiselle, c'est magnifique!" Count Olaf kissed the tips of his fingers, and the children shuddered. "Eet ees a moist lemon cake, topped weeth a hazelnut meringue. There are a few extra ingredients, bien sur, but zees..." He shrugged, his bony shoulders nearly reaching his wax- encrusted ears. "Zees I cannot reveal."  
  
"I'm sure you're just as excited as I am, children, but we must eat our dinners first," Mrs. Dandridge said. "And be sure to chew each mouthful one hundred times! It's good for the digestion, you know." And the table fell quiet as each person chewed each mouthful one hundred times.  
  
After everyone had finished, Count Olaf stood up and said, "Well, eet ees time to unveil zee Torte du Mort!" Proudly, he whisked the cover off a plate in the center of the table.  
  
"Oooooh!" Mrs. Dandridge squealed. "It's so beautiful!"  
  
And, indeed, it was a beautiful cake. The lemon cake was as bright as sunshine, and perched atop the perfect peaks of meringue were two little swans made of spun sugar and marzipan. (Let us not forget, dear readers, that all the fancy sugar swans and luscious meringue in the world could not disguise the fact that this cake was an instrument of doom. A pair of grinning sugar skulls would have been much more appropriate, although that would have raised Mrs. Dandridge's suspicions for sure. But I digress---a word which here means that I've gotten away from the story.)  
  
"It's gorgeous," Violet said truthfully, for it really was. "Those swans are precious! I've just got to take a closer look." She leaned over the table and picked up the cake. "What amazing detail!"  
  
"Let me see," Klaus said, trying to take the plate away from his sister.  
  
"Wait just a moment," Violet said, pulling it away again.   
  
"I said gimme!" Klaus snapped.  
  
As you and I both know, the Baudelaire children were exceedingly well- behaved and almost never fought with each other. Count Olaf knew this too, and he frowned suspiciously as he watched Violet and Klaus tussle.  
  
"Children!" Mrs. Dandridge said in horror. "Stop fighting at once!"  
  
Count Olaf's eyes widened as he finally figured out what the children were going to do. He completely forgot his French accent as he roared, "WATCH OUT, YOU BRATS!"  
  
Violet suddenly let go of the platter, and the Torte du Mort fell to the ground with a deafening splat.   
  
"NOOOOO!" Count Olaf cried, dropping to his knees. "MY PLAN IS RUINED!" He gasped as he realized what he'd said, but Mrs. Dandridge was too angry to notice.  
  
"I am so ashamed of you two!" she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Such outlandish behavior! Monsieur Lacon slaved all day to create such a masterpiece, and you destroyed it in seconds!"  
  
"Mrs. Dandridge, that cake was poisoned! 'Mort' doesn't mean good fortune, it means death! And this man is Count Olaf!" Violet cried. She yanked the chef's hat off Count Olaf's head before he could react, exposing his one long eyebrow.  
  
"Wh...poisoned?" Mrs. Dandridge asked faintly.  
  
"Labas!" Sunny shrieked, by which she meant, "Get me out of this high chair!" Violet took her out and put her on the floor, and she promptly bit Count Olaf's leg, ripping his trousers. He howled and grabbed his ankle, but not before everyone got a good look at the tattoo of an eye.  
  
"See?" Klaus said triumphantly. "It IS Count Olaf, Mrs. Dandridge!"  
  
But Mrs. Dandridge didn't seem to be listening. "P-poisoned? The cake was...poisoned?"  
  
"Yes, but none of us had any," Violet said reassuringly. "We're all okay!"  
  
"I had some," Mrs. Dandridge said, and her face went as white as a polar bear eating vanilla ice cream in a snowstorm. "When he was done making it, I...I licked the bowl."  
  
"Oh no!" Violet cried. "We've got to call an ambulance!"  
  
"Not so fast," Count Olaf sneered, grabbing Sunny and quickly putting a napkin over her mouth so she couldn't bite him. "Better not touch that phone if you don't want widdle Sunny-wunny to get hurt."  
  
Violet and Klaus stood there, stunned. Their eyes went from their baby sister, to Mrs. Dandridge (who was beginning to sway from side to side), and then to each other. Sometimes when you know someone well enough, you can tell what they're thinking without their having to say a word. Fortunately, this was one of those times.  
  
"We won't call for help," Klaus said, raising his hands in the air. "Just don't hurt anyone."  
  
"I think it might be too late for your precious guardian," Count Olaf said nastily, pointing at Mrs. Dandridge, who had fallen on the floor. "This was my greatest scheme yet! I can't wait to get my hands on that fortune of yours. Oh, the things I shall buy!"  
  
"What will you buy?" Klaus said. Now, as you might suspect, Klaus was not in the least bit interested in the list of things Count Olaf started rattling off (though he nodded his head and went "hmmm" several times). Rather, he was trying to distract Count Olaf from noticing that Violet had started inching towards the kitchen counter, where she had been working on her icing machine.  
  
"...and an Amazonian parrot...and a life-sized statue of me, of course, as a tribute to my genius...and the Mona Lisa...and..." Count Olaf droned on.  
  
"Hey, Count Olaf!" Violet yelled. "Over here!"  
  
"What th---" Count Olaf began, turning towards Violet, but he was unable to finish as a stream of icing hit him square in the eyes. He dropped Sunny on the floor, and she promptly bit him on the shin as hard as she could.  
  
"Oh! OW!" he wailed, flailing about. "It burns! I can't see! My eyes! My shin!"   
  
"What? You want more?" Klaus said. "Violet, he wants some more!" Violet was only too happy to oblige.  
  
"I'll be back!" Count Olaf screamed, wiping at his eyes. "This time I'll bring my friends with me! She'll never be safe as long as you three are here!" He turned and limped off down the stairs, dripping icing as he went. The children held their breath until they heard the bakery door slam, and then they ran to Mrs. Dandridge's side.  
  
"I've got to call the police," Klaus said, and he ran to the bedroom.  
  
"Mrs. Dandridge! Mrs. Dandridge!" Violet cried. "Hold on!" She took Mrs. Dandridge's cold hand in hers and rubbed it hard, trying to warm it up. "Please open your eyes!"  
  
"Ookle! Ookle!" Sunny implored, by which she meant "Don't leave us!"  
  
Klaus came back and knelt beside Mrs. Dandridge. "The police and an ambulance will be here as soon as they can. I told them she had been poisoned, and asked what we could do, but they can't tell us anything without knowing what he poisoned her with."  
  
Violet began to weep. "Oh, Klaus, he's going to come back. He said Mrs. Dandridge would never be safe as long as we're here."  
  
Sunny tugged on Violet's sleeve. "Gogo," she said sadly.  
  
"Sunny is right," Klaus said, choking back tears of his own. "As much as it hurts us to leave her, we have to...for her own safety."  
  
"I know," Violet said, and the three sat and cried for a moment. Then Violet stood up and went to her bedroom to get a piece of paper and a pen. With shaking hands, she wrote a letter, and read it aloud to Klaus and Sunny.  
  
"Dear Mrs. Dandridge," Violet began, pausing to sniffle. "We are so sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but we were afraid you would try to talk us out of it. You won't be safe from Count Olaf as long as we're here, so that's why we've got to go. If anything happened to you because of us, we could never forgive ourselves. When Count Olaf is finally brought to justice, maybe we can come back and visit you. Thank you for everything. You were a great guardian and an even better friend, and we love you. P.S. The icing machine works now."  
  
"It's beautiful, Violet," Klaus said, hugging his sister tightly. Violet and Klaus both signed their names, and Sunny bit the bottom of the page, leaving four perfect puncture marks as her signature. Violet gently folded the letter into Mrs. Dandridge's hands, and she was relieved when Mrs. Dandridge moaned and turned her head.  
  
"Inklepiker," Sunny said, by which she meant "I think she's going to be okay."  
  
"Thank goodness," Klaus said, and the three went to their rooms and packed the few belongings they had. They went down the stairs, out the bakery door, and past the concrete cotton candy fountain. They paused for a moment to take one last longing look at Daisy Dandridge's Decadent Desserts, and then they continued down the road. Their hearts felt as bittersweet as a block of baker's chocolate, for they were sad to be leaving Mrs. Dandridge, but they were also grateful to have met her. For six days, two hours, four minutes, and six seconds, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had been truly happy, and deep in their hearts, they believed they would be happy again.  
  
~THE END~ 


End file.
